


Sorry To My Unknown Lover

by BlazeSRS



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Other, Posting without a beta because I too love to suffer, Unhappy Ending, everyone else is mentioned - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-07
Updated: 2018-07-07
Packaged: 2019-06-06 14:08:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,552
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15196433
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BlazeSRS/pseuds/BlazeSRS
Summary: Caleb is a selfish man with a single wish: To bring his family back. He struggles with facing what he will lose when he does.





	Sorry To My Unknown Lover

Caleb Widogast was not used to relationships. His life has been one mistake to the next that he never really had time to have a proper relationship. The closest thing he had was the brief stint of love that he held for Astrid before...well, before. So, starting this thing with Molly - whatever this thing even was - was completely new to Caleb and he didn't know how to handle it. Waking up next to Molly brought a warmth to his heart that he hadn't known since childhood and for once he knew he was happy. Waking up to lithe arms curled around his torso, legs tangled in his, a tail wrapped loosely in around his thighs and dangerously close to his unclothed genitals was more than he could have ever hoped for in his life. He was selfish, he knew, because he didn't deserve any of this. He was a murderer and had done something so unforgivable. Molly deserved the world, the sky, and all the stars beyond. Not him. Not a killer. Not Caleb.

He's had this thought before, but he embraced Molly close and peppered them with kisses anyways. He'd fall into bed each night with them, breathe in their scent of lavender, and fall into the easy routine of pushing his back to Molly's chest and clasping their hand with his own. It was good, amazing, even, but it was never something that was meant to last. It was better for the both of them if it ended sooner rather than later. It'd hurt less.

The more times he made this same realization, the more he began to pull away from Molly. It started with sleeping on different sides of the bed, followed by Caleb constantly putting someone else between them. Eventually, he began to flinch away from their gentle touches and duck away from any affection shown to him. He even went back to sleeping in his own bed, in his own room, with Nott instead of Molly. He's pulling away from Molly completely and he knows he should end it, but he's so afraid. He's so afraid of losing someone that he loves so much, again. So, instead, he shuts himself away and does nothing at all.

At night, Caleb would lay in his bed, alone, restless. Thoughts of Molly plagued him. The ever persistent smell of lavender, their hearty laughter, the soft caresses and casual touching, the shining gleam of their eyes in the moonlight as their jewelry sparkled from their horns while they walked hand in hand through a village during their travels. He remembers the day he met Molly in perfect detail. He remembers the warmth of their skin on his as though it were still there. He remembered Molly - perfect, carefree, loving Molly. He loved Molly. He couldn't allow himself to love Molly. Not anymore. Molly deserved better.

He convinces himself that Molly doesn't love him, couldn't love him. They never set a label on their relationship, though Caleb firmly believed it wasn't one. So, why would Molly love him back? They knew he was a monster, that he had done things that were unforgivable and that he'd never be able to take back. They knew, so Caleb would have to spend his life without Molly. He didn't deserve them. Someone better would love Molly, and Molly would love them as well - they'd be happy. And if Molly was happy? Caleb would accept it, even if it meant being alone.

Molly tells him that they love him and it catches Caleb off guard. It's been well over three months of avoiding Molly and he's so close, so close to being able to bend reality to his will. He's stronger now, he's different now, and so is Molly. They both know that. Their relationship started out as platonic cuddling. The need to be wrapped up with someone and not alone, after the loss of Fjord, Jester, and Yasha. It had been a desperation and an innate need to be with someone and be reminded that there's still someone there. A reminder they needed often, lest they run themselves ragged and exhausted in attempts of saving them. It was one night, turned many, turned into some strange blend of friends with benefits and something more, something unnamed. Something Caleb believed couldn't have been reciprocated love. They haven't even known each other long, only for a few months, so there was no way Molly could love him. He dismisses the thought reminding him that he already loved Molly.

Molly tells him that they love him and Caleb laughs in disbelief and turns away. He tells Molly that whatever the tiefling felt for him wasn't love and to stop trying to play him for a fool. Caleb all but runs back up to his room and locks the door behind him. He pretends that he didn't feel Molly's eyes watch him as he went, the way their fingertips fluttered along his coat's sleeve before letting him go. He pretends he didn't hear the sharp inhale, the heartbroken "Wait, Caleb" that followed. He pretends that Molly didn't tell him that they loved him because he knows they couldn't. He pretends because he doesn't deserve it. Molly will find someone else to love. Someone who deserved them, someone who isn't a monster, someone who is good and would be able to love them and put them first. Someone who wasn't Caleb. 

 

They all tried to stop him - The Mighty Nein. He almost didn't do it, too. Jester clutched onto him and sobbed and begged him not to do it. Fjord understood, but reminded him that the Nein were his family now, too before gently pulling a stubborn Jester off him. Beau gave him an understanding nod and was uncharacteristically quiet. Her hand sat heavily on his shoulder and he could see the build up of tears in the corners of her eyes. Yasha smiled sadly at him, and gave him a strong, yet still somehow awkward hug. Nott screamed at him, pleaded with him, told him that she'd never forgive him, but for all of her anger, she also refused let go of him for even a moment, clutching as tightly as she could to his waist. Her claws dug into his skin under his coat. And Molly. Gods, Molly. They were standing back, silent, and looking on heartbroken. Their arms were crossed closely to their chest and they refused to look up at Caleb.

He understood, of course. He had completely rejected the tiefling and was now going to drastically change his own future because he's a selfish man and now has the means to fix his mistake. He knew there's a chance that he will never meet the Mighty Nein again. He's convinced himself that he could live with that. He knows it wouldn't matter anyways, because he'd wouldn't remember the Mighty Nein after he makes his Wish. His heart twists sharply at the thought, like a blade had embedded himself in the chest and impaled him into a wall. He looked over his new family, from Beau to Fjord and Jester, to Yasha, to Nott, to Molly. He's going to lose one family, for the sake of bringing his back. They'd be better off without him, anyways, he thinks. They won't have a man driven by self-hatred and trauma turning them into terrible people, too. Without him, they'd be free to become the amazing people he knows they could be. Somewhere in his heart, disguised by the lies he tells himself, he's thankful that he ever had the chance meet them to begin with.

With that final thought, Caleb steels his nerves. He turns away from the Mighty Nein, hands clasped and held close to his mouth, as though he were praying. He takes a deep breath and whispers his wish under his breath. For a sharp second, before the shifting of bending of reality, Caleb contemplates the "What If" of not bringing back his parents, of changing Nott into a halfling instead and reliving his life starting from the jail where he met Nott. But he doesn't. He doesn't because he's a selfish man who just wants his parents back. He doesn't because the Mighty Nein will be happier without him to hold them all back. He doesn't because Molly - perfect Molly - will be able to find love in someone who can love them back, who will love them back, despite the fact that Caleb already did. His last thought, his last glance at the lavender tiefling, is wanting to tell them that he was sorry. That he loved them, too. He opens his mouth, but time shifts around him, and he doesn't get the chance.

 

It was a bright, sunny day in the fields of Blumenthal. Birds are chirping outside the window in a town full of life. A woman downstairs was singing to herself as a man laughed and joined in, followed by the sounds of dancing. In Blumenthal, the Widogast household stood tall and unscathed, surrounded by fields of wheat and a barn of animals, and filled once again with life. 

Upstairs, in a lone bedroom of the Widogast household, a young boy of seventeen wakes up to the scent of lavender and the fleeting ghost of warm arms holding him tightly.

**Author's Note:**

> Title comes from the song "Sorry" by Halsey and it absolutely brought all the angst out of me.
> 
> I blame the Widomauk discord server for me actually writing again because they're all so supportive of each other and share amazing things and I??? Love it so much and I was inspired to actually get my ass to work again so here I am, with a healthy dosage of emotional pain and turmoil! 
> 
> I really wanted to make a happier, more ambiguous ending, but I also love crying and hurting people, so I DIDN'T. It felt more true to the feeling of the song this way, anyways.


End file.
